Remember that holiday diet I so futilely embarked on last month? Yeah, about that. It didn’t quite work out as planned. SHOCKER. Instead of spending January intestines-deep in cleanses and workouts like the rest of the country, I ate my face off. Now I’m looking at 6 additional pounds on top of the other pounds I had hoped to get rid of before the holidays.
There are, of course, mitigating circumstances that I can forgive myself for not staying vigilant on the diet path. When you fly across the country twice in the matter of a couple weeks for not-so-fun reasons, you sit there in the airport and go, “Am I REALLY going to eat this salad right now? Nope. I’m gonna grab me a chili dog at Johnny Rockets cuz fuck you guys.”
But this week I said, okay, it’s time to rejoin with my healthy intentions and make good on that weight-loss goal. I bought brand-new jeans this Christmas because I couldn’t fit into my old jeans, and now I can’t fit into the NEW jeans either, so once again I’m wearing stretchy jeggings that have a hole in the knee from overuse.
This week, I refused seconds. I put my salad in the small bowl instead of the big one so I wouldn’t have large portions. I declined cake and ice cream at my son’s birthday party. (Though I did indulge in a cake pop. It was shaped like a minion, I had no choice.) And then yesterday, I took a trip to Whole Foods for lunch and had a lovely roast beef sandwich, which as we all know is the healthiest of lunch meats.
Not going to lie, just the proximity to all that kombucha and gluten-free pasta made me feel like my insides were getting a scrub-down. I happily consumed my sandwich while my friend first massaged and then ate her kale salad, and I thought, “I am so losing a couple pounds after this.” Jumped on the scale this morning, and what happened?
I gained two more mother-effing pounds.
Moral of the story: a roast-beef sandwich is still pretty much a sandwich, which is not as healthy an option as a kale salad or moss or whatever the latest tastes-like-garbage-but-is-really-healthy-we-swear food is. Just because some white girl with dreds down to her ass spread garlic aioli on that slice of artisan loaf, doesn’t make it healthy. When you take away the earthy-crunchy Whole Foods aura, all you get is a bready lunch meat sub with mayo….a really delicious bready lunch meat sub with mayo, but still.
Next time I go out to grocery-store lunch, I am avoiding the olive and sandwich bar (a nearly impossible feat, but don’t forget, somewhere down deep inside I DO have some steely will power) and heading over to the produce section. Or, maybe I can just eat the lettuce that sits wilting in my own refrigerator without dousing it in ranch dressing. I can do this, guys. Just keep me away from Whole Foods.