If You Could Commit Any Crime, What Would It Be?

Yesterday, me and my Adventurous Lunch crew at work (and by Adventurous Lunch, we mean eating Subway sandwiches in the upstairs conference room) were talking about a terrible, awful movie called The Purge. I’ve never seen it, but apparently, the entire premise of the movie is that the government allows people to commit any crime without punishment for one day. Besides the obvious ridiculousness of this plot line (for example, WHY would any government EVER DO THAT?), it got me thinking about the type of crimes I might commit if I were given a free pass.

Would I rob a bank? I mean, I’d love some extra cash, but the logistics of that are too complicated. I’d need an Ocean’s Eleven crew, guns, gadgets, etc. I’d have to be willing to hurt people to get the money. Nah. Not my scene.

Would I kill someone for revenge? Nope. Even if it were technically legal, I am not a monster.

Would I steal a car? Shoplift? Create a ponzi scheme? Nope, nope, nope.

So what would I do? I would barge into people’s homes just after they got back from their trip to Whole Foods and I would take all their artisan breads, cage-free eggs, and gently-massaged kale.

Yup, you heard that right. I would steal your organic produce, bitches.

Wendy kicks down door, startles young child playing with his blocks and demands of his terrified mother and father: “Give me all your cheese!”

For many of my friends who have engaged in these types of fantasy what-would-you-do-if-you-could-have-anything conversations, I’m sure there will be lots of head shaking. For example, when I was asked what kind of super power I would have if I were a super hero, I replied that I’d like to be able to speak and understand every language. I think we can all agree that’s pretty lame, but I stand by my choice.

So why would I steal food from people? Why wouldn’t I just go to Whole Foods and raid their grocery store? Have you been to Whole Foods? First, I would have to withstand judgy looks from faux hippies as I loaded specialty olives into plastic—THAT’S RIGHT, I SAID PLASTIC—containers. Then I’d get completely sidetracked by the essential oils aisle. Finally, I’d steal waaaaaaay too much, and since I’m on a diet-thingy, I need some form of checks and balances. Plus, I’d love to see the look on people’s faces when I burst into their homes demanding the contents of their fridge.

Whole Foods
I would take all of this. All of it.

So what would you do if you could commit any crime? Perhaps after reading this blog, you’d steal my identity, change the password to my Word Press account, and deactivate The Olive Gal website. It’s a tempting thought, I’m sure.

green of skin, black of heart

One thought on “If You Could Commit Any Crime, What Would It Be?

  1. Hah! This is beautiful. Just beautiful. (It’s been A Day. This made me chuckle. I appreciate the truck out of that. Thank you.)

    There’s a local house draw coming up (one of those “pay $100 for a ticket, proceeds help a local charity” numbers) that I would rig the crap out of. The house is amazing and I would really, really like to move. That would be my crime.

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