How to Rebel Against New Year’s Resolutions: Eat Like a Champion

I entered into this New Year just like everyone else: fresh with optimism, full of heady ideas about eating healthy and making some smart choices in my life.

That lasted all of one day.

Remember last year when I was all “I resolve to make things different!” and then I had the worst year of my life? This year, I’m taking the opposite approach. I’m just going to keep doing whatever it is I’ve been doing—and that includes stuffing my face as though I’ll never see another morsel of food again.

I devoured this in two sittings.
I devoured this in two sittings.

I’m not quite sure where this is coming from. Part of it may be in rebellion, since three-quarters of my office are on this detox/whole foods kick and they’ve lost a collective umpteen-thousand pounds. I’m happy for them, and they seem happy too, but I have no energy/desire to join them. I’d rather be enjoying my meatballs and hot dogs and pizza and cheese (even though I recently discovered I’m lactose intolerant. Seriously.)

Maybe it’s just that I’ve come upon a rather difficult time of the year, emotionally. Today marks the one-year anniversary of my cousin’s death. (Boy this post just took a sudden emo turn.) I’m not going to dwell on that here. But I don’t think the late-night trips to the fridge are happening in a vacuum. And that’s all I have to say about that.

I’ve been making half-hearted attempts to reel in the eating. I’ll pack myself a really healthy salad for lunch, and it will be delicious, and I will enjoy it. But 30 minutes later, I’m snacking on chicken puffs in the kitchen and contemplating whether to run out and grab something for second lunch.

Late nights are the worst, though. Once again, I’ll eat a decently healthy dinner with fair portions that leave me satisfied but not stuffed. But once 10pm rolls around, all bets are off. I’ve cracked into the leftovers like a burglar cracking a safe, waiting until Alex goes upstairs so I can shamelessly stuff my face with meats and cheeses and sauces and crackers and chocolate. Each time I think, “Okay, that’s enough. This is getting gross.” Then a minute later, I hop up off the couch and go grab “just one more thing” until I’m full to the point of discomfort and regret.

And yet…

There’s something freeing about not really giving a crap. I see everyone around me scrambling to be healthy and I’m all “see you on the other side!” Because I know come February, they’ll start sneaking their snacks, just one cheat here, another cheat there. And by March they’ll be in full-blown munchie mode and I’ll be all “Welcome to the club! Was it worth it?”

So for lunch today, I’m foregoing all pretenses and going to get myself a delicious tri-tip sandwich from Mundos. You really only live once. And I’m going to live my life enjoying all the delicious food this world has to offer.

…that is, until my pants stop fitting. Which may be sometime next week.

3 thoughts on “How to Rebel Against New Year’s Resolutions: Eat Like a Champion

  1. 1. That’s one of my very favorite dishes. I get some fresh basil chiffonade on there and some nice grated cheese parmigian…awesome. Also great with red pepper flakes or liberal use of “Fresh-ah pepper”.

    2. I, myself have resolved no beers in the house unless we have guests, and here’s why. Calories. Totally empty needless calories. I’d have like 2 a day. Nobody is feeling ANYTHING from 2 paltry beers a day, it had become ritual. Fuck that noise, by cutting those 2 beers, I’ve instantly cut almost 400 calories from my diet. And that’s not counting the crap I’d allow myself to eat in the name of beery experiences.

    I’ve also done the whole no refined sugars thing, but that’s pretty easy for me…until Easter jellybeans come into season (those little fuckin lemonhead jelly beans are so damn good!….UGH!!THE DEVIL!!).

    Bottom line, I will lose weight this year, but I’m not going to kill myself trying to do it.

    Oh I have also resolved to correct people’s grammar and spelling in texts and facebook posts…needless to say my news feed has been delightfully slow since Jan 4th.

    1. 1. Red pepper flakes were definitely employed in the cooking of that dish. And it’s one of my favorites as well!

      2. Beer is useless and gross. But wine? I must have it. Not every day, mind you. But I could not eat that delicious pasta dish without a glass. It’s a must.

      3. Never had much of a sweet-tooth so sugar isn’t so much the issue for me as processed meats. I will gorge myself on salami and turkey meatballs and hot dogs and mortadella and basically any kind of sandwich meat. They are all kinds of bad for you, and I just can’t quit them.

      4. Grammar police? I bet you’d have a field day fixing my posts. If I try, I can grammar alongside the best of them. But I’m often not trying.

      1. I would never ACTUALLY police. I think we’re living in a post-Grammar society.

        One thing that does drive me absolutely up a wall though is the inability of some people to use adverbs when speaking. Especially on reality TV.

        “Don’t take it personal” is not a correct phrase. Personal is and adjective, but you’re referring to the verb “take”,so an adverb should be deployed…”Don’t take it personally”

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