Living in an area that’s shrouded in fog June through August, it’s hard to feel as though you’re really experiencing summer—I wore boots the other day. But the weird thing about the Monterey Peninsula is that you can drive about 30 minutes north and experience a 30 degree difference in temperature. So, in an effort to give our son a real summer, Alex and I brought him to this aquatics center/small water park in Morgan Hill.
We’ve been there a few times before, and we always have a good time with our friends and family when we go. And Lucas, God bless his little cautious heart, is finally opening up and enjoying the pools. But for all this fun, there is a serious trade-off: people. So many people all up in my face.
The weird thing is, I’ve lived in New York City. I’ve wedged into a subway car full of sweaty bankers, doing my best to avoid eye contact while I pressed myself so close that I could feel their “money clips.” I’ve sat down to dinner at a table that was placed less than 2 inches away from the other party’s table, so that by the end of the meal we had all tried each other’s dishes and split the check. But those are tight quarters that I bargained for.
Here you might be asking, “And what, you didn’t bargain for a water park to be crowded on a weekend in August?” There have certainly been times that I’ve gone to the beach and laid my towel no less than 10 steps away from an oil-slicked young couple who was making out under the covers, possibly spreading venereal diseases through the sand. However, here is what the water park looked like when we got there:
You see all that empty grass? That stayed pretty empty all day, even though the chairs in front of the pools and water slides filled up quickly. We arrived about 20 minutes before the park opened to get in line early and grab one of the large umbrellas in the grassy area. We dragged a few chairs over, spread our towels and bags, and staked our claim.
As more people filed into the park, I could see them eyeing our shady umbrella area, so I stayed in the chairs for a bit while the gang went to enjoy getting splashed by asshole kids who swim right through your conversation. Finally, I felt as though we had made it pretty clear this spot was ours (I did all but lift a leg and pee on it), so I left the chairs to join the group.
When I returned, someone had taken one of our lounge chairs. Pretty dick move. We had towels and crap spread out on them, which is the universal sign for “Hey. I’m using that.” But whatever, our spot under the umbrella was safe…until…
First one hippy couple with a drug-rug for a blanket spread out on the corner of our shady umbrella area. We had our chairs momentarily huddled so we could eat lunch together, and they saw that as their chance to swoop in. Thankfully, my brother-in-law has cojones (and was much nicer about it than I would have been), and told the couple we would likely need the shade again when we were done eating. Cool. They gathered up their smelly blanket and went to creep on another group’s shade. But here’s where I finally lost my shit.
I decided to take a lovely nap on my towel spread out in the shade. Once again, the gang headed to the pools and I cared not, for I was in a deep, peaceful, shade-kissed sleep. Until I heard this douchey yell right in my ear:
Douchey voice: OVER HERE!
I’m startled out of my sleep and look up to see a dude on a blanket that’s spitting distance from mine. He waves over his whole Mexican family and they encroach on my space so hard that I begin to hate all Mexicans. Don’t believe me?
Who does that? I’m going to ask again: WHO DOES THAT?! The family came over, the mom laid her blanket down so it practically overlapped with mine, and then she faced away to spread another blanket and bent over so that her ass was in my face. If I reached up, I could have slipped a finger in her asshole.
The rest of my family was not so bothered. Of course, if they had gotten a face full of ass like I did, perhaps they’d be singing a different tune. I left to go swim, mostly because I hate people, and once I was in the pool, I decided I hated all the people in the pool, too, and it was time to go home.
Yes, this makes me a grouch. Yes, I am making a way bigger deal out of this than needs to be made. Yes, I need to adjust my attitude so that I can just enjoy myself and not let my bad mood ruin anyone else’s good time.
But she put her ass in my face, and I just can’t.
The Olive Gal
green of skin, black of heart
