If You Happen to Know Me, You Might Want to Hang Some Garlic

hanging garlic
You will need this much garlic to ward off my bad juju.

If you are someone who knows me and are years and years away from your timely death, you might want to do yourself a favor and hang some garlic or do a novena.

Nearly every single month of this year has been punctuated by someone I know dying way before his or her time. In January, it was my cousin at age 33. In March, my professor in his early 60s. In March again, my high school boyfriend, only 34. In April, my own baby, not yet born. And now May, my realtor and friend Tracey, who couldn’t have been a day over 52. It may seem trite, but seriously at this point, I’ve got to ask you all to say your prayers.

I’m not sure how else to cope with all this but either go full-on crazy and take it as a sign of my eternal damnation or just…laugh. What the fuck is even happening right now? This should be an episode of Louie. CK, call me up because this may be even more depressing than your show (that I love…but wow…dude…not exactly a pick-me-up).

Death is not funny. Certainly not to the families and friends of the people who passed. But mountains upon mountains of death? Just…BAM…another one bites the dust. People dropping dead like flies. If I don’t start laughing at this, I could drown in it.

So I’m looking at you, old buddies from college and second cousins and Internet friends. You may be in grave danger. Do whatever you can to appease the spirits in the month of June. Or perhaps forget you know me. It just might save your life.

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